Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Poorly knee

Fell off my sodding mountain bike. Was this my fault? Well, partly, but there were other factors including (but not limited to):
  • Rain
  • A sneaky rock
  • A knee guard that slipped down
  • Listening to Rage Against The Machine which caused brief feelings of invulnerability and recklessness
  • A soupcon of speed
  • Lance Armstrong being on the television winning TDF7

Anyway, after flying through the air for the characteristically long time (why does time slow down during falls, time to think, to ponder one's airoborne-ness, and consider the impact?) I got up with a huge dirty gash on my knee clearly down to the capsule. The local doc couldn' t deal with it so we sped over to the next valley where a tired looking registrar and a fit nurse took a scrubbing brush to my knee joint and cleaned it up. Annoying.

private medicine fury

1. Private medicine is to doctors as Crack cocaine is to the prostitutes. That first sweet taste starts a rampant and irreversible addiction. The initial glamour of earning money for something that you are already paid to do for free soon turns sour, as the desire for ever bigger cars, houses, private schools, grows like a hideous tumour. The things once so rewarding - learning, teaching, improving your department, soon turn grey and boring compared to the bucketfuls of money available on the private gravy train. Soon all that will matter is to cram more and more private patients in, performing more and more unnecessary procedures. You will gradually develop a total disinterest in your NHS patients but at the same time you will be an obsequious sniveling servant to your private patients. You will become inappropriately close to these patients and mess up their treatment as you collude with their denial. Like a heroin addict you will suffer withdrawal if you earn no money for 24 hours, and will take up petty theft. There is no cure, you're finished.

2. If a person with nothing wrong with them takes a wrong turn and walks into a private hospital they will walk out 2 endoscopies, one bone marrow and a cystoscopy better off. Private Doctors can't help themselves, they're addicts. When they look at someone’s anus all they see is pound notes.
3. Why are we remunerated so well for procedures? Procedures are easy, that's why doctors can do them. A levels do not select people according to dexterity. Doctors are clumsy nerds who phone an electrician to change a light bulb. A plumber could learn to do an endoscope in time it takes to change a U bend. All doctors should be made to do woodwork A level instead of chemistry.

4. 12a Medical schools insist on all entrants having A level chemistry. This is like the army demanding all recruits have an NVQ in Panamanian squirrel taming. You will never do any chemistry as a doctor.

5. 12b You may however need to tame a Panamanian squirrel.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

how to pick your speciality

1. The prize system in medical school picks out, with surgical accuracy, the people least able to be good doctors. Prize winners are autistic, quiet people with a psychological profile identical to that of a serial killer. They will last 2 house jobs before being found huddled in a corner mewling the theme tune to Holby City. They should not be allowed to see patients or in fact interact with anything that is not Windows driven.

2. Medicine is the one true vocational degree. No other subject is stupid enough to think that all its entrants will be zoologists, or ancient Greek speakers. That makes medicine and medics peculiar, a course for people who made their minds up long ago, and won't be changing it any time soon thank you very much.

3. Medical school can be further subdivided into the normal people and the people who know, they just know, that they are going to be surgeons. They are told this on the first day of medical school, given the uniform (beige trousers, blue/white shirt, rugby club tie), told the rules (be posh, right wing, display appalling ignorance about everything but surgery, and be ignorant about that too).

4. If they don't tell you that you're a surgeon on your first day then you're in for a difficult time. After 14 years of brainwashing yourself that you're going to be a doctor, you are cast adrift, the anchor of certainty sinking without trace to the bottom of the ocean.

5. There are many types of doctor. Don't worry. You will pick the wrong one. The other one would have been better. Still whatever you do don't change tack or people will think you lack focus. Stay where you are. Stay miserable.

6. 10. The rest can be roughly divided into those with integrity and those with the morals of a heroin addict. Surgery mops up a lot of the bastards, but there's still plenty to go round the other specialties. Except psychiatry. They get all the alternative people ie the people with no insight and no interpersonal skills, usually weighed down with heavy childhood issues such as bullying or abuse too horrible to mention. If anyone expresses an interest in psychiatry they should be blacklisted and given a job where they can't do any damage. Something with plants.

Guardian Unlimited | Special reports | Me and my bad karma

Guardian Unlimited Special reports Me and my bad karma

This was very british and quite uplifting. Enjoy if you hate violence and love creativity.


1. 99thesis 99

2. I hate people who decided to be doctors when they were children. I really hate them.

3. I refer to the idiots who saw a doctor on television at the age of four and thought 'right, that's the job for me', in much the same way that, at the age of four, I saw Luke Skywalker and thought 'right, that's the job for me'.

4. As a result of deciding on their career too early most doctors are perpetually disappointed.

5. But these early deciders make up the greater portion of medical school intakes, and this explains the high level of derangement present in the profession. A profession made up of dogmatic imbeciles who made up their mind to be a doctor and stuck to it with the tenacity of a Rottweiller, only to realise in adult life that the doctor they saw on the television was the figment of the imagination of an alcoholic TV serial writer, whose closest experience of medicine was the time he treated his athlete's foot with TCP.

6. The doctors on television are actors, picked for the good looks. The world they live in is bereft of the reality of modern medicine because it would be too boring. No one will tune in every week to watch Dr Ugly perform a rectal examination. Who cares of Mr Tedius FRCS peforms his two thousandth tonsillectomy and hands in an audit of soap use? If you decided to be a doctor before the age of 18 you are a deluded dreamer destined to a life of miserable disappointment. You won't give up though, because no-one ever gives up.