Tuesday, July 19, 2005

private medicine fury

1. Private medicine is to doctors as Crack cocaine is to the prostitutes. That first sweet taste starts a rampant and irreversible addiction. The initial glamour of earning money for something that you are already paid to do for free soon turns sour, as the desire for ever bigger cars, houses, private schools, grows like a hideous tumour. The things once so rewarding - learning, teaching, improving your department, soon turn grey and boring compared to the bucketfuls of money available on the private gravy train. Soon all that will matter is to cram more and more private patients in, performing more and more unnecessary procedures. You will gradually develop a total disinterest in your NHS patients but at the same time you will be an obsequious sniveling servant to your private patients. You will become inappropriately close to these patients and mess up their treatment as you collude with their denial. Like a heroin addict you will suffer withdrawal if you earn no money for 24 hours, and will take up petty theft. There is no cure, you're finished.

2. If a person with nothing wrong with them takes a wrong turn and walks into a private hospital they will walk out 2 endoscopies, one bone marrow and a cystoscopy better off. Private Doctors can't help themselves, they're addicts. When they look at someone’s anus all they see is pound notes.
3. Why are we remunerated so well for procedures? Procedures are easy, that's why doctors can do them. A levels do not select people according to dexterity. Doctors are clumsy nerds who phone an electrician to change a light bulb. A plumber could learn to do an endoscope in time it takes to change a U bend. All doctors should be made to do woodwork A level instead of chemistry.

4. 12a Medical schools insist on all entrants having A level chemistry. This is like the army demanding all recruits have an NVQ in Panamanian squirrel taming. You will never do any chemistry as a doctor.

5. 12b You may however need to tame a Panamanian squirrel.

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