Monday, December 05, 2005

Nurses are always good

Have you ever complained about the nurses? Of course you haven't, that was a rhetorical question. Similar questions would include 'Have you ever tried sandpaper on your eyes?' and 'Hey, wasn't that Iraq invasion great?'. There's a scene in the French polemic 'Germinale' where a rather nasty male shopkeeper is beaten to death by the females he has been oppressing, during the beating they rip off his genitals and display them at the top of a flag pole. I can now reveal the history behind this hideous scene: the author, Emile Zola, had a medical colleague working at the Hopital Des Curses Hidieuses et Horrifique in the leprosy quarter of Paris at the turn of the twentieth century (or is that the turn of the nineteenth century?). Anyway this colleauge, let us call him Nom Fabrique, was working on a geriatric rehabilitation ward; it occurred to him that the nursing practice of recycling the patient's gastrointestinal contents using a Veronique ano-oral circulator (basically a watertight tube that joins the patient's tail end to their mouth) may have been contributing the unusually massive death rate on the ward, and he resolved to talk to the Sister of the ward. He approached her using the correct fashion, kneeling with his eyes averted and hailing 'all hail queen ra' at a fixed distance of one hundred yards; the junior nurse gave him leave to approach to fifty yards; here he prostrated himself flat upon his belly and licked the floor of the ward the requisite sixty nine times; here the senior staff nurse beckoned him to with ten yards of the ward sister; keeping his eyes averted he begged for permission to speak; the ward sister assented with a single contraction of her left pupil; Dr Fabrique then raised his concerns about the gut recycler, and asked if the practice could be abondoned. Immediately the Sister drew herself to her full height and exploded into flames, the brightness of which turned the walls black; the flames scorched Dr Fabrique to a crisp, and the senior staff nurse skewered him through his catflap with a spare drip stand; his innards were hurled to the junior staff nurses and health care assistants, and he was left hoisted infront of the hospital gates as a warning to junior doctors who would dare to complain to the nurses. And that is why you should not complain to the nurses. You're leaving in six months time anyway dammit, so what's the goddam point.

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