Monday, December 05, 2005

Park or die

1. Parking. Christ.

2. You will have to drive to work. Hospitals are built on cheap land away from stations, and the Trust pay fanatics in four wheel drive cars to patrol the local roads running over anyone who cycles. If you walk you will be mugged or raped or both.

3. You cannot drive to work. The radius of full parking spaces around the hospital swells and contracts daily. One day you will be able to park close enough to see the hospital through powerful binoculars, another day you will actually have to drive further away from the hospital than you actually live and catch a plane.

4. Don't try and get a parking pass - the process will be too complicated and you won't be clever enough. You're just a doctor. Einstein could have got one, but only with help from a supercomputer yet to be built.

5. Wherever you park a parking attendant will find you. The hospital has run out of money for porters, leaving you to fill the gap, but they will never, ever run out of funds for their army of car park attendants. If you are lucky they will clamp you, and you can abandon your car and job, and make a happy if simple life selling shells to tourists in a Scottish fishing village. If they don't have any clamps they will put stickers on your windows that do not use glue but a special agent that can only be removed by weapons grade plutonium. After 30 days your car be hidden under a pile of stickers and will have to be scrapped. It would be better to buy a bike and die quickly, it really would.

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