Wednesday, December 07, 2005

The self serving parasitic nature of nhs management

At last, a management decision more stupid than the 'dancing underpants to prevent MRSA' idea from last year:

So we've got a new 'system'* for ordering blood tests. Don't worry, it meets all the criteria for a new NHS 'system':
1. The original one worked fine
2. There are other systems in existence that drastically need updating but have been ignored.
3 The new system is worse than the old one
4. The new system costs ten times the value of the known universe.

You see, we used to order blood tests on a piece of paper - pick up the piece of paper, put the patient's details on it, write the tests you want, put the blood bottles in the plastic bag et voila, 6 times out of 10 you would get back a result not completely different to the one you requested. So they thought they'd computerise it. God knows why. I mean why? Why? There are just so many things that should be computerised, like you could get a robot to say 'no' to x rays instead of paying a radiologist to do it. What was wrong with the damn handwritten forms for blood tests? Absolutely nothing that's what.

So the new computer system is
i. very slow
ii. very counter intuitive
iii. requires another (yes another I now have two thousand) bloody password that mutates every three days and has to consist of fifteen numbers letters and smileys to be valid and
iv. only one doctor can use it at anyone time so there's a huge queue of medics at the computer in clinic waiting to print off the forms.

*Total load of sewage

So we go on the ward this morning, and the computer has run out of the request slips. So we ask the ward clerk (who is by a complete miracle actually at work and, rumour has it, with the full knowledge of the Trust) to get us some more slips. But she can't. She needs approval from Sharon Waites in management, and she's off sick with 'flu* so we'll have to wait two weeks. 'Whatthefuck?' we say, but we already know we're beaten.

*'flu ie a vague sniffle accompanied by a strong lack of professionalism.

What's worse is that management have efficiently* removed all the old handwritten forms. So if you're having a bone marrow tranpslant in our area then you won't be having any blood tests because Sharon fucking Waites is blowing her nose infront of daytime television instead of doing what she should be doing which is sacking herself and handing herself in to the police as an Oxygen theif.

*ie contrary to every bone in their body

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