Monday, December 05, 2005

The unbearable pointlessness of induction

1. As a junior doctor you will be moved from post to post, city to city, specialty to specialty for no apparent reason at very regular reasons. This sounds terrible, but it is worse than that. 97% percent of the NHS budget goes on the costs of this massive bi-annual exodus. If you ask your seniors why you are being moved they will look at you as if you have smeared faeces in your hair and recited the lords prayer backwards. For Christ’s sake they did it didn't they? And it didn't do them any harm did it?

2. You will be invited to induction at each new post. Induction is a joke by the General Medical Council. The whole department is completely dependant on you and cannot spare you for induction, so to be successfully inducted and orientated to a post would in effect directly result in the deaths of several patients. Everyone knows this, but despite this you will be sent to an induction day when you arrive, from which you will be bleeped within a fraction of time so short that it can be only measured in a Swiss particle accelerator.

3. The only thing worse than being bleeped out of an induction day is not being bleeped out of an induction day. The program will be designed by a total loser of a consultant , almost certainly banned from patient contact because of 'inappropriate behaviour'*, and someone from Human Resources. The only person with less idea on what information you require on your first day will be the woman from Human Resources, who will be utterly useless. She will make up for it by providing ten thousand forms, all of which duplicate the same questions on different coloured paper. If you make a single mistake on a single form you will not be paid.

4. *GMC doublespeak for serial rape. Doctors cannot be struck off for this under current GMC rules (see Snodgrass vs The Crown, 1522). The GMC repeatedly tops the Cambridge Philosophy Club's top 100 utterly illogical committees, having made eighteen thousand completely stupid decisions since its inception. See section 73.

5. You will not be paid anyway.

6. This is your problem and you have to sort it out. You will have no time to sort it out or someone will die and it will be your fault. Payroll will be permanently engaged, and when you get through will not help as you do not have a payroll number. They put you through to Human resources who do not exist. You try medical personnel and medical staffing then give up and work for free.

7. You tell your colleagues. They don't care. It's your problem.


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